I've journaled some, written words and thoughts, collected pictures, quotes, and things over the last year. I've shared many things, through email, Facebook, and other means with other babyloss moms and dads. I've tried to share some about my experience in some meaningful way to family and friends, to help them understand my experience. Over the last few months, I've actually been flooded with words and feel led to write and share things.
Today, September 10th, is actually the due date our daughter was supposed to be born. She was due in 2011. This is the second anniversary we'll spend...thinking...how things were supposed to be different. I'm choosing to begin this blog on her due date, to give an account of her life, her death, our struggle with grief, depression, spirituality, and figuring out exactly how we are supposed to do THIS.
I'm writing this as a therapeutic tool for myself, but also hope it may help others. Other parents who are trying to figure out how to do THIS. It may help others to truly understand more about our struggles. I have always "grieved out loud" this year and I have been frank about what I felt but also what I needed. I have been very blessed over and over again with people in our life over the last year that have truly helped us get through this in some manner. So I want to give an account of Gratitude we have in our heart for love and compassion shown to us over the last year. I hope that this blog will be a balance between grief and gratitute.
One of the first books I read after our loss, was "I Will Carry You" by Angie Smith. The subtitle of the book and each chapter so delicately describes "The Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy". The subtitle explains that grief and joy are intermingled and that's truly the story of my life now.
It's been over a year since our sweet Elliana girl died. We have so many stories to share with you about God's love, His mystery, healing, hurting and great providence. There are so many accounts of love and kind acts done by others. We are truly lifted up by this. Yet, we still hurt. Yet, we still miss her--every day. We still wish that things that were different. We still look at little blond-haired girls in the crowd, and talk to each other about how much we wish she was right here with us. We have cried out to God and not received answers. We don't understand. But we're trying. We are leaning on Him and asking that as we draw closer to Him, that He will draw closer to us. We pray that he does "Steady Our Heart".
Remembering Elliana Kate with you today.
